This morning was the first morning in over a month that my vitals were above bedrest when I woke up.

I'm so angry.

I don't want to be getting "healthy".

I took a shower, couldn't even look in the mirror, I feel like I have morphed.

I only clocked 15 minutes of walking this morning before Katherine forced me back into bed. Plus squats in the shower. But since I am off bedrest, atleast until breakfast, I plan on sitting halfway in a chair and shaking my legs while reading for a while, maybe another half hour, and I did some leg lifts.

I can not seem to stay still. My mind wont let me. It says to keep moving, or I will get fatter.

Katherine said there were 6 EDs on the floor right now...makes me wonder where I fall. I am for sure the biggest. Its the need to be the best. Do they all eat? Are they on bedrest? Ineed to be the best at something. I need to lose this weight.

I want to ask the doctors, if I drink the ensure by mouth, can I go home? Would you trust me to go home if I was doing that? I can buy ensure for home. Not that I would really drink it or anything...not that I would even be able to allow myself to drink it here, to get home. I don't know.I have considered dumping it in the plant by my bed...but I don't think they would believe I really drank it.

I wish I knew where I was going to go from here, where I was going to go from treatment. How I was going t oget m stuff from Lisa's. If there was anything icould do toget her to let me come home. Thats what I really want.

LaLaquitah stole 300 dollars from me.She was supposed tocome on Sundayand bring it back, butbailed. she bailed Monday too...and now she has blocked me on facebook. I'm going to have to call the police, which really is not what I want to do, but what choice doI have? Thats a LOT of money.

I'm in a bad mood today. i hate me.