happy birthday, baby.

Childrens. Day 33.

Today is my baby sister's 10th birthday. I can't believe I am missing it for the second year in a row. Last year I was in treatment at CEDC and this year here I am at Childrens. I miss her so much. It makes me so sad not to know her. I don't know what she likes, who she is, what makes her laugh or cry. And as my mom pointed out to me on the phone the other night... I have not been a sister to her ina long time, even when I was around. I was too starved out of my skull to play with her, emotionally a wreck and snappy, always yelling at her, never being the sister she deserved. I wish she knew how much she meant to me. I wish I was the sister she deserved.

On a seperate note...

I started walking around 6 this morning. Got in about an hour and a half before I went back into my bed. I feel bigger than usual today, I dont think my walking is helping any. It's just making me sore, and tired. I was exhausted last night. I felt physically like crap, my stomach was hurting and so was my head, and I just conked out. So I was pretty exhausted at 5 30 this morning when they took my vitals, which were REALLY low, but I pushed myself to walk...and now I hurt. All over.

I don't even know what I'm talking about right now. I'm so anxious and just want to get up and walk and walk, but I'm just so so tired.

Rachelle is coming tomorrow to bring me the papers on the guardianship, so that if it does expire on Monday, I will have proof. Kelly is also coming tomorrow, I can't wait to see her, but... part of me doesn't even want visitors because I dont want them to see how fat I am. Friday Jill and Kayla are coming up, and I havn't seen Jill in like, over a year. I can't wait to see her...but it's the same thing. I feel so big I don't want anyone looking at me.

Im anxious. I don't want any ensure today. I feel fat and gross and huge and Katie never lets me pace. I don't know what I'm going to do if she wont let me walk.