I have been neglecting blogging for a few days because I seriously have not had it in me. I havn't been able to get my thoughts to slow enough to write out.

Basically, a few nurses from the state hospital came to see me on Friday. After meeting with them I got really, really upset, and I broke down when I was meeting with Emily. I cried about how I didn't want to get stuck in a state place, how scared I was, how I didn't know what to do, how to fix it. It just so happened to be lunch time, and my ensure plus was sitting on the table, and she asked me if I wanted to try. Through my tears I nodded yes, and she had me hold the cup. It felt so foreign, my hand didn't recognize the shape of the cup. It was weird. Then she had me lift it higher, and higher, and sell it, and finally take a sip.

The first sip was brutal. I held it in my mouth, afraid to swallow. But I did it. And I kept going and finished the first cup. Emily had Katie come sit with us too, so that my nurse could see what was happening, and they let me throw the empty cup across the room. i got the rest of the ensure through the tube and I didnt fight it. I felt like such a hgue failure. But I am so scared to be stuck in a state hospital. Over the weekend I progressively started drinking more, and yesterday I finished it all, at all meals. This mornng I finished breakfast, but I sobbed the entire time. I just feel so gross. Like such a failure.

And right now I am feeling like it doesn't even matter if I drink it or not, like they are going to stick me in a state placce anyway, so why does it matter? The doctors said this morning that there is a hearing tomorrow, but no one will tell me what its about. I have called everyoe under the sun, no one can give me any answers, and I don't think thats fair. I feel like I have the right to know whats going on, the right to have someone advocating for me, and no one has talked to me about ANYTHING. And that just makes me so upset and anxious. Idon't have the slightest clue what the hearing is on, I assume it's about guardianship, but I have been working so hard to prove I don't need the guardians. To prove I don't need the state hospital. I have been sobbing all morning because I don't feel like anyone is on my side anymore, and they are jsut going to let me rot away in a state place. And when I get upset like this, is when I don't wantr anything in me, but if i don't keep drinking, it is just going to prove THEIR points.

Spinning, spinning.

I'm exhausted today. I feel like I got hit by a bus, but my mind is still going a mile a minute. I just met with my attorney, and Emily, all in the same hour. The hospital lawyer wanted to meet with mine, so I sat anxiously while they met. She told me he said the hospital has contacted DMH and they are going to pursure guardianship, but it wont be by Monday, the don't have any plans or paper in the works yet, so it WILL most likely expire on Monday and I will be able to refuse feedings, BUT if I try to leave they will section me. She also said they would most likely pursue commitment, which would mean transferring me somewhere where I can be commited, most likely Shattuck. I wish I heard more of what she said, but I didn't really because all I could think was soon enough I will get to feel empty again. and that's all I can think about right now. That's how I am getting through the feelings of being huge, getting through the feedings, getting through the suckiness of my body. Soon enough, soon enough. But in the back of my head I am thinking about what will happen. I don't even know if I care anymore. Send me to a state hospital, let me rot. Whatever.

Kelly is coming to visit. she is sneaking me in gum in her boots!! I hope it works, I need some gum really, REALLY bad!! She is also going to pluck my insane unibrow for me,, and I guess is bringing a few books, too, which is nice. I hope they are good ones.

happy birthday, baby.

Childrens. Day 33.

Today is my baby sister's 10th birthday. I can't believe I am missing it for the second year in a row. Last year I was in treatment at CEDC and this year here I am at Childrens. I miss her so much. It makes me so sad not to know her. I don't know what she likes, who she is, what makes her laugh or cry. And as my mom pointed out to me on the phone the other night... I have not been a sister to her ina long time, even when I was around. I was too starved out of my skull to play with her, emotionally a wreck and snappy, always yelling at her, never being the sister she deserved. I wish she knew how much she meant to me. I wish I was the sister she deserved.

On a seperate note...

I started walking around 6 this morning. Got in about an hour and a half before I went back into my bed. I feel bigger than usual today, I dont think my walking is helping any. It's just making me sore, and tired. I was exhausted last night. I felt physically like crap, my stomach was hurting and so was my head, and I just conked out. So I was pretty exhausted at 5 30 this morning when they took my vitals, which were REALLY low, but I pushed myself to walk...and now I hurt. All over.

I don't even know what I'm talking about right now. I'm so anxious and just want to get up and walk and walk, but I'm just so so tired.

Rachelle is coming tomorrow to bring me the papers on the guardianship, so that if it does expire on Monday, I will have proof. Kelly is also coming tomorrow, I can't wait to see her, but... part of me doesn't even want visitors because I dont want them to see how fat I am. Friday Jill and Kayla are coming up, and I havn't seen Jill in like, over a year. I can't wait to see her...but it's the same thing. I feel so big I don't want anyone looking at me.

Im anxious. I don't want any ensure today. I feel fat and gross and huge and Katie never lets me pace. I don't know what I'm going to do if she wont let me walk.

I'm stuck in thought about the guardianship.

I know that when it is over, I canrefuse treatment.

How long will they let me go?

Will I even make it this time, or will I die?

What do I even want?

Will they kick me out? Transfer me to a different hospital? Re get the guardianship? That takrs time. How long will I last this time?

And then, if they redo the guardianship, how much longer will i be stuck here?

I think I can be gone in 2 weeks. That all I need. 2 weeks. I know they wont let me sign out AMA. They will secction me. But they wont be able to force treatment.

Is this what I really want?

How will my actions affect the outcome?

------------------------------------------------------------------

I can't believe tomorrow she will be 10. I have been so absent...I don't know anything about her. My babygirl. 10.
------------------------------------------------------------------

I also can't believe I will most likely be spending thanksgiving here in addition to halloween... And who knows where I will be for Christmas.

This is such a sad, lonely disease.

I wish it was over. I just wish it was over.

These boots were made for walkin'...

Well, I don't have any boots on, but I HAVE been doing a lot of walking. Dinner time was hard, I fought and fought but I just wasn't strong enough to get my hands free. That was the first time in a few days I have actually wanted to pull the tube out.

I got an increased dose of zyprexa tonight. 5mg. Should make me sleepy but it didn't. I got it with my ensure and I walked over an hour after. I just could not stop. I only meant to do half an hour but my mind was racing.

My stomach is killing me. It's swollen and hard, I look like I'm 5 months pregnant and it's really uncomfortable.

I'm angry because Ifeel like no one is listening to me and its so frustrating. Im forgoing grammer right now in this rant, for the sake of writing fast. everyone is telling me to talk to a different person about getting to the treatment place in arizona, no one can give me a straight answer. everytime i press the call bell, i wait over an hour and my nurse never shows. emily was late for our meeting, and i got really upset, and felt guilty about being upset, but all the little things really matter now. she wants us to do this thing where we dont alk for 10minutes and we write in these little books, or draw. its uncomfortable and idont like it and i cant get my thoughts out because my head is constantly spinning like a merry go round.

I can't even finish blogging. I need to write about talking to emma, about tomorrow being lillis birthday, about everything.

I hate this body. I can't wait t obe able to change it. My attorney is coming up on Thursday to give me paperwork, shes pretty confident the guardianship will be onver Monday. I can NOT WAIT.

The ensure is outside the door.

I feellike I need to fight, but I am just so exhausted today.

I clocked another hour and a half walking, and after the ensure I am going to try to go until Emily comes,so probably another 20 minutes or so.

I need to lose this weight.

The 22 can not come soon enough.

This morning was the first morning in over a month that my vitals were above bedrest when I woke up.

I'm so angry.

I don't want to be getting "healthy".

I took a shower, couldn't even look in the mirror, I feel like I have morphed.

I only clocked 15 minutes of walking this morning before Katherine forced me back into bed. Plus squats in the shower. But since I am off bedrest, atleast until breakfast, I plan on sitting halfway in a chair and shaking my legs while reading for a while, maybe another half hour, and I did some leg lifts.

I can not seem to stay still. My mind wont let me. It says to keep moving, or I will get fatter.

Katherine said there were 6 EDs on the floor right now...makes me wonder where I fall. I am for sure the biggest. Its the need to be the best. Do they all eat? Are they on bedrest? Ineed to be the best at something. I need to lose this weight.

I want to ask the doctors, if I drink the ensure by mouth, can I go home? Would you trust me to go home if I was doing that? I can buy ensure for home. Not that I would really drink it or anything...not that I would even be able to allow myself to drink it here, to get home. I don't know.I have considered dumping it in the plant by my bed...but I don't think they would believe I really drank it.

I wish I knew where I was going to go from here, where I was going to go from treatment. How I was going t oget m stuff from Lisa's. If there was anything icould do toget her to let me come home. Thats what I really want.

LaLaquitah stole 300 dollars from me.She was supposed tocome on Sundayand bring it back, butbailed. she bailed Monday too...and now she has blocked me on facebook. I'm going to have to call the police, which really is not what I want to do, but what choice doI have? Thats a LOT of money.

I'm in a bad mood today. i hate me.