The morning has already set the tone for the day. Being woken up by a cranky nurse who just wants her shit done because she has been up all night, no privacy, cant pee, refuse catheterization because I feel as if I have gained 10 pounds overnight, walk walk walk walk, one hour done. My hips and legs and feet are killing me from overuse. I can not believe that the small amount of pacing around the room I am doing is considered over use by my body. Anyway, I walked for an hour, until the nurse came in and told me that I had one opportunity to get cath-ed, weighed and back in bed or she was going to call adolescent (my team of doctors), put the restraints back on my bed, and take out my tube, ( It would then be pulled in and out 3 times a day, and I fought really hard against normal protocol to get them to leave it in). The are just using the tube as leverage now, which is ridiculous. Anything they want me to do. " If you don't do it we will pull the tube".
Now I sit, (quite literally, since I'm not allowed out of bed.) Anxiously awaiting tube time. Ensure in my belly... feeling like I'm growing as I sit, doing nothing, just having it turn into fat. The nurse pulled the sitter outside the room and talked about me. I hate that I'm 20 years old, not a child, don't talk about me behind my back. If you have something to say, say it in front of me. The sitter told me though. I'm to be in bed AT ALL TIMES, because my bloodpressure was so low. If I get out of bed, said sitter is to press the call light, or alert security.. If security sees me out of bed, they are to alert Nurse Ratchet. I dont actually dislike her...I really do like her a lot, but she is so strict. I can't just sit in bed and not MOVE! If I don't stay in bed, the restraints go back on, tube comes out, yaddayaddaYADDA.
I really don't think I can handle this. I feel so so HUGE, I miss my old body. I have never had to do weight gain before, and my god it sucks. I feel like my body is morphing before my very eyes. My clothes feel different, my body feels different. Even sitting, walking, standing all feel different. I can no longer feel my hips jut out when I stand, my fingers are dangerously close to touching, and my arms look as if they have doubled in size. My thighs almost touch...thats the biggy. I try to stand so that they dont...but they have ...fat...on them. They look BIGGER, not straight, shaped. My face is just plain huge, I don't know where my cheekbones went. I don't like it at all.
My blood pressure when I stand up is getting higher. It feels like failure. Like ... I don't want these healthy numbers, this healthy weight. I don't want people telling me I have color in my face, or that my cheeks look fuller, that I look good. It feels like, despite my best efforts to hold on, I'm losing ed.
I can't wait until the 22. I hope to god theguardianship is dissolved. Except I'm a little scared, because I don't have anywhere to go. Lisa isn't going to let me come back, especially if I sign out AMA and am still starving. I really think it's going to be a motel, until I die. I'll leave a note for Lisa, with info on what o do with my stuff...and that will be that. And if they wont let me sign out, if they try to put the section on me again, atleast I will be able to refuse the feeings, refuse treatment. Thank god. This weight will come off. I need atleast 5 days. I can get 10 pounds, possibly more, off in 5 days. Feel my bones again.
But until then, here I will continue to sit, with anticipation rising, feet falling asleep, but mind racing, fully awake, on alert, waiting for the tube to come through the door. Waiting for my first breakdown of the day, the first tears to fall. Sitting, waiting, feeling the fat that is covering my body, the rolls of my stomach, looing at the massive expanse of my thighs.
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