Here we go again.

Here's to starting a new blog.

Todayhas been a bit of a breakthrough day, and I am feeling guilty about it. I woke up fully prepared for more fighting, and battles, and they havn't happened.Well...a few. But I let my vitals be taken, I let Katherine look at my g tube site, and I sat down before security had to come. The doctors decided we would leave theNG in, rather than to keep pulling it out and putting it in each meal, which is great, it was nice to finally be listened to, to be heard. But I feel like a failure that I let Katherine put the tube in without fighting.

I know in my heart and my logical brain that these are all good things, but I feel like a failure. I feel like im giving in. I am having a really hard time with things the past few days, mainly, wanting to be i control, and since I can't control the things I really want to control, I have been refusing to do the little things that really dont matter, just for that control.

Body-image wise I am seriously struggling. I feel like I have gained so much weight and I can't handle it. My body feels foreign, so big, not right. I hate it. I don't have the g tube to dump the ensure anymore, and now, with the NG tube staying in, I can't even resort to purging. I have been pacing for hours after feeds, trying to get the feeling of it sitting in me and making me huge to go away, but today they havn't been letting me. I walked for over 5 hours yesterday and today I only got in about 45 minutes. Its not enough.

I don't know where this is going, I don't know anything. Each day is a bunch of mini mountains to get over and they just feel like they keep getting bigger and bigger. While I desperately want to leave here, I am terrified of where is next. I don't want to end up in a state hospital and I am really scared that it will happen. I will die there. No doubt about it. I am so scared.

I just want to go home. Which is funny to say when I dont even have one right now since Lisa kicked me out. I want to be able to do my own things on my own time...and to be hoenst...I want to starve. I crave the feelilng of complete emptiness, the lack of emotion, the adrenaline of extreme hunger. I know that the next time I starve like that, may be my last. My last thing I ever do, because I could very well die. And I am okay with that, prepared and ready.

And then theres the lonliness. The missing. Of everything. Of my family. Friends. Life. Of myself. I don't know anything anymore, I am an empty shell of who ever I used to be. the holidays have already started and I have missed Halloween, Lilli's birthday is this week and I will miss that, Thanksgiving is next week and I am sure to still be here at Children's for that one, and who knows where I will be at christmas. Seems I will either be in the hospital, at treatment, or dead.

The guardianship runs out in 9 days and I am counting down. Unless the doctor from Briockton renews it, and my lawyer has enough time to come meet with me, and go to court, the guardianship will be dissolved. And when that happens, I get to make my own choices again. And those choices will be refusing feeds and fluids, and signing myself out of this place AMA. 9 days. I can make it 9 more days to feel the emptiness again. To get this weight off. To feel the feeling of NOT feeling.

This sounded positive in the begining...and got progressivly worse. Thats how it is in my head. A constantly spinning merry go round of tumult.