I have been neglecting blogging for a few days because I seriously have not had it in me. I havn't been able to get my thoughts to slow enough to write out.

Basically, a few nurses from the state hospital came to see me on Friday. After meeting with them I got really, really upset, and I broke down when I was meeting with Emily. I cried about how I didn't want to get stuck in a state place, how scared I was, how I didn't know what to do, how to fix it. It just so happened to be lunch time, and my ensure plus was sitting on the table, and she asked me if I wanted to try. Through my tears I nodded yes, and she had me hold the cup. It felt so foreign, my hand didn't recognize the shape of the cup. It was weird. Then she had me lift it higher, and higher, and sell it, and finally take a sip.

The first sip was brutal. I held it in my mouth, afraid to swallow. But I did it. And I kept going and finished the first cup. Emily had Katie come sit with us too, so that my nurse could see what was happening, and they let me throw the empty cup across the room. i got the rest of the ensure through the tube and I didnt fight it. I felt like such a hgue failure. But I am so scared to be stuck in a state hospital. Over the weekend I progressively started drinking more, and yesterday I finished it all, at all meals. This mornng I finished breakfast, but I sobbed the entire time. I just feel so gross. Like such a failure.

And right now I am feeling like it doesn't even matter if I drink it or not, like they are going to stick me in a state placce anyway, so why does it matter? The doctors said this morning that there is a hearing tomorrow, but no one will tell me what its about. I have called everyoe under the sun, no one can give me any answers, and I don't think thats fair. I feel like I have the right to know whats going on, the right to have someone advocating for me, and no one has talked to me about ANYTHING. And that just makes me so upset and anxious. Idon't have the slightest clue what the hearing is on, I assume it's about guardianship, but I have been working so hard to prove I don't need the guardians. To prove I don't need the state hospital. I have been sobbing all morning because I don't feel like anyone is on my side anymore, and they are jsut going to let me rot away in a state place. And when I get upset like this, is when I don't wantr anything in me, but if i don't keep drinking, it is just going to prove THEIR points.