I have been neglecting blogging for a few days because I seriously have not had it in me. I havn't been able to get my thoughts to slow enough to write out.

Basically, a few nurses from the state hospital came to see me on Friday. After meeting with them I got really, really upset, and I broke down when I was meeting with Emily. I cried about how I didn't want to get stuck in a state place, how scared I was, how I didn't know what to do, how to fix it. It just so happened to be lunch time, and my ensure plus was sitting on the table, and she asked me if I wanted to try. Through my tears I nodded yes, and she had me hold the cup. It felt so foreign, my hand didn't recognize the shape of the cup. It was weird. Then she had me lift it higher, and higher, and sell it, and finally take a sip.

The first sip was brutal. I held it in my mouth, afraid to swallow. But I did it. And I kept going and finished the first cup. Emily had Katie come sit with us too, so that my nurse could see what was happening, and they let me throw the empty cup across the room. i got the rest of the ensure through the tube and I didnt fight it. I felt like such a hgue failure. But I am so scared to be stuck in a state hospital. Over the weekend I progressively started drinking more, and yesterday I finished it all, at all meals. This mornng I finished breakfast, but I sobbed the entire time. I just feel so gross. Like such a failure.

And right now I am feeling like it doesn't even matter if I drink it or not, like they are going to stick me in a state placce anyway, so why does it matter? The doctors said this morning that there is a hearing tomorrow, but no one will tell me what its about. I have called everyoe under the sun, no one can give me any answers, and I don't think thats fair. I feel like I have the right to know whats going on, the right to have someone advocating for me, and no one has talked to me about ANYTHING. And that just makes me so upset and anxious. Idon't have the slightest clue what the hearing is on, I assume it's about guardianship, but I have been working so hard to prove I don't need the guardians. To prove I don't need the state hospital. I have been sobbing all morning because I don't feel like anyone is on my side anymore, and they are jsut going to let me rot away in a state place. And when I get upset like this, is when I don't wantr anything in me, but if i don't keep drinking, it is just going to prove THEIR points.

Spinning, spinning.

I'm exhausted today. I feel like I got hit by a bus, but my mind is still going a mile a minute. I just met with my attorney, and Emily, all in the same hour. The hospital lawyer wanted to meet with mine, so I sat anxiously while they met. She told me he said the hospital has contacted DMH and they are going to pursure guardianship, but it wont be by Monday, the don't have any plans or paper in the works yet, so it WILL most likely expire on Monday and I will be able to refuse feedings, BUT if I try to leave they will section me. She also said they would most likely pursue commitment, which would mean transferring me somewhere where I can be commited, most likely Shattuck. I wish I heard more of what she said, but I didn't really because all I could think was soon enough I will get to feel empty again. and that's all I can think about right now. That's how I am getting through the feelings of being huge, getting through the feedings, getting through the suckiness of my body. Soon enough, soon enough. But in the back of my head I am thinking about what will happen. I don't even know if I care anymore. Send me to a state hospital, let me rot. Whatever.

Kelly is coming to visit. she is sneaking me in gum in her boots!! I hope it works, I need some gum really, REALLY bad!! She is also going to pluck my insane unibrow for me,, and I guess is bringing a few books, too, which is nice. I hope they are good ones.

happy birthday, baby.

Childrens. Day 33.

Today is my baby sister's 10th birthday. I can't believe I am missing it for the second year in a row. Last year I was in treatment at CEDC and this year here I am at Childrens. I miss her so much. It makes me so sad not to know her. I don't know what she likes, who she is, what makes her laugh or cry. And as my mom pointed out to me on the phone the other night... I have not been a sister to her ina long time, even when I was around. I was too starved out of my skull to play with her, emotionally a wreck and snappy, always yelling at her, never being the sister she deserved. I wish she knew how much she meant to me. I wish I was the sister she deserved.

On a seperate note...

I started walking around 6 this morning. Got in about an hour and a half before I went back into my bed. I feel bigger than usual today, I dont think my walking is helping any. It's just making me sore, and tired. I was exhausted last night. I felt physically like crap, my stomach was hurting and so was my head, and I just conked out. So I was pretty exhausted at 5 30 this morning when they took my vitals, which were REALLY low, but I pushed myself to walk...and now I hurt. All over.

I don't even know what I'm talking about right now. I'm so anxious and just want to get up and walk and walk, but I'm just so so tired.

Rachelle is coming tomorrow to bring me the papers on the guardianship, so that if it does expire on Monday, I will have proof. Kelly is also coming tomorrow, I can't wait to see her, but... part of me doesn't even want visitors because I dont want them to see how fat I am. Friday Jill and Kayla are coming up, and I havn't seen Jill in like, over a year. I can't wait to see her...but it's the same thing. I feel so big I don't want anyone looking at me.

Im anxious. I don't want any ensure today. I feel fat and gross and huge and Katie never lets me pace. I don't know what I'm going to do if she wont let me walk.

I'm stuck in thought about the guardianship.

I know that when it is over, I canrefuse treatment.

How long will they let me go?

Will I even make it this time, or will I die?

What do I even want?

Will they kick me out? Transfer me to a different hospital? Re get the guardianship? That takrs time. How long will I last this time?

And then, if they redo the guardianship, how much longer will i be stuck here?

I think I can be gone in 2 weeks. That all I need. 2 weeks. I know they wont let me sign out AMA. They will secction me. But they wont be able to force treatment.

Is this what I really want?

How will my actions affect the outcome?

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I can't believe tomorrow she will be 10. I have been so absent...I don't know anything about her. My babygirl. 10.
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I also can't believe I will most likely be spending thanksgiving here in addition to halloween... And who knows where I will be for Christmas.

This is such a sad, lonely disease.

I wish it was over. I just wish it was over.

These boots were made for walkin'...

Well, I don't have any boots on, but I HAVE been doing a lot of walking. Dinner time was hard, I fought and fought but I just wasn't strong enough to get my hands free. That was the first time in a few days I have actually wanted to pull the tube out.

I got an increased dose of zyprexa tonight. 5mg. Should make me sleepy but it didn't. I got it with my ensure and I walked over an hour after. I just could not stop. I only meant to do half an hour but my mind was racing.

My stomach is killing me. It's swollen and hard, I look like I'm 5 months pregnant and it's really uncomfortable.

I'm angry because Ifeel like no one is listening to me and its so frustrating. Im forgoing grammer right now in this rant, for the sake of writing fast. everyone is telling me to talk to a different person about getting to the treatment place in arizona, no one can give me a straight answer. everytime i press the call bell, i wait over an hour and my nurse never shows. emily was late for our meeting, and i got really upset, and felt guilty about being upset, but all the little things really matter now. she wants us to do this thing where we dont alk for 10minutes and we write in these little books, or draw. its uncomfortable and idont like it and i cant get my thoughts out because my head is constantly spinning like a merry go round.

I can't even finish blogging. I need to write about talking to emma, about tomorrow being lillis birthday, about everything.

I hate this body. I can't wait t obe able to change it. My attorney is coming up on Thursday to give me paperwork, shes pretty confident the guardianship will be onver Monday. I can NOT WAIT.

The ensure is outside the door.

I feellike I need to fight, but I am just so exhausted today.

I clocked another hour and a half walking, and after the ensure I am going to try to go until Emily comes,so probably another 20 minutes or so.

I need to lose this weight.

The 22 can not come soon enough.

This morning was the first morning in over a month that my vitals were above bedrest when I woke up.

I'm so angry.

I don't want to be getting "healthy".

I took a shower, couldn't even look in the mirror, I feel like I have morphed.

I only clocked 15 minutes of walking this morning before Katherine forced me back into bed. Plus squats in the shower. But since I am off bedrest, atleast until breakfast, I plan on sitting halfway in a chair and shaking my legs while reading for a while, maybe another half hour, and I did some leg lifts.

I can not seem to stay still. My mind wont let me. It says to keep moving, or I will get fatter.

Katherine said there were 6 EDs on the floor right now...makes me wonder where I fall. I am for sure the biggest. Its the need to be the best. Do they all eat? Are they on bedrest? Ineed to be the best at something. I need to lose this weight.

I want to ask the doctors, if I drink the ensure by mouth, can I go home? Would you trust me to go home if I was doing that? I can buy ensure for home. Not that I would really drink it or anything...not that I would even be able to allow myself to drink it here, to get home. I don't know.I have considered dumping it in the plant by my bed...but I don't think they would believe I really drank it.

I wish I knew where I was going to go from here, where I was going to go from treatment. How I was going t oget m stuff from Lisa's. If there was anything icould do toget her to let me come home. Thats what I really want.

LaLaquitah stole 300 dollars from me.She was supposed tocome on Sundayand bring it back, butbailed. she bailed Monday too...and now she has blocked me on facebook. I'm going to have to call the police, which really is not what I want to do, but what choice doI have? Thats a LOT of money.

I'm in a bad mood today. i hate me.

I already walked for half an hour, plus made my bed. It doesnt feel like enough.
I woke up feeling huge. Absolutley massive.
I hate this.

My sitter ratted me out to the nurse, so I got in bed before it became a big deal.

After breakfast I will do another half hour, and if they wont let me walk I will have to figure out how to move some other way. Theres always the excuse that I need to do my PT work.

Im anxious about the day, about having a nurse I dont feel comfortable with, about having to ask someone to hold my hands for tube feeding. What I really want is to throw a fit right now. I feel so big its making me insane.

I wish I could just sit still and cope, but I feel angry at myself if im not moving. I feel like I am failing, like I shouldnt be giving in...and I have to put up some sort of a fight.

Oh what a beautiful morningggg...not.

The morning has already set the tone for the day. Being woken up by a cranky nurse who just wants her shit done because she has been up all night, no privacy, cant pee, refuse catheterization because I feel as if I have gained 10 pounds overnight, walk walk walk walk, one hour done. My hips and legs and feet are killing me from overuse. I can not believe that the small amount of pacing around the room I am doing is considered over use by my body. Anyway, I walked for an hour, until the nurse came in and told me that I had one opportunity to get cath-ed, weighed and back in bed or she was going to call adolescent (my team of doctors), put the restraints back on my bed, and take out my tube, ( It would then be pulled in and out 3 times a day, and I fought really hard against normal protocol to get them to leave it in). The are just using the tube as leverage now, which is ridiculous. Anything they want me to do. " If you don't do it we will pull the tube".

Now I sit, (quite literally, since I'm not allowed out of bed.) Anxiously awaiting tube time. Ensure in my belly... feeling like I'm growing as I sit, doing nothing, just having it turn into fat. The nurse pulled the sitter outside the room and talked about me. I hate that I'm 20 years old, not a child, don't talk about me behind my back. If you have something to say, say it in front of me. The sitter told me though. I'm to be in bed AT ALL TIMES, because my bloodpressure was so low. If I get out of bed, said sitter is to press the call light, or alert security.. If security sees me out of bed, they are to alert Nurse Ratchet. I dont actually dislike her...I really do like her a lot, but she is so strict. I can't just sit in bed and not MOVE! If I don't stay in bed, the restraints go back on, tube comes out, yaddayaddaYADDA.

I really don't think I can handle this. I feel so so HUGE, I miss my old body. I have never had to do weight gain before, and my god it sucks. I feel like my body is morphing before my very eyes. My clothes feel different, my body feels different. Even sitting, walking, standing all feel different. I can no longer feel my hips jut out when I stand, my fingers are dangerously close to touching, and my arms look as if they have doubled in size. My thighs almost touch...thats the biggy. I try to stand so that they dont...but they have ...fat...on them. They look BIGGER, not straight, shaped. My face is just plain huge, I don't know where my cheekbones went. I don't like it at all.

My blood pressure when I stand up is getting higher. It feels like failure. Like ... I don't want these healthy numbers, this healthy weight. I don't want people telling me I have color in my face, or that my cheeks look fuller, that I look good. It feels like, despite my best efforts to hold on, I'm losing ed.

I can't wait until the 22. I hope to god theguardianship is dissolved. Except I'm a little scared, because I don't have anywhere to go. Lisa isn't going to let me come back, especially if I sign out AMA and am still starving. I really think it's going to be a motel, until I die. I'll leave a note for Lisa, with info on what o do with my stuff...and that will be that. And if they wont let me sign out, if they try to put the section on me again, atleast I will be able to refuse the feeings, refuse treatment. Thank god. This weight will come off. I need atleast 5 days. I can get 10 pounds, possibly more, off in 5 days. Feel my bones again.

But until then, here I will continue to sit, with anticipation rising, feet falling asleep, but mind racing, fully awake, on alert, waiting for the tube to come through the door. Waiting for my first breakdown of the day, the first tears to fall. Sitting, waiting, feeling the fat that is covering my body, the rolls of my stomach, looing at the massive expanse of my thighs.

Today just got harder as it went on. Every meal was late, so dinner didnt end up happening until 9, which isjust too late. I had just had an awful convorsation with my mom...about how just...she dosnt care, and how i feel and how she thinks i just want attention and symptathy when in reality I just miss my family. It ended with me telling ehr to fuck off and hanging up. And right after that I had to do dinner, which was so late because the ensure ran out. Maureen held my hands and I just cried and cried.

Im so sick of crying and pacing and feeling like I cant leave the ensure in me, like I need to movemovemove move to get it out of me, to not let it sit and make me fat. I hate the intense feeling that says keep moving, dont sit, get it out.

im dreading doing the whole thing over tomorrow.

tonight i am so lonely. so sad.i just wish this would all be over.

Here we go again.

Here's to starting a new blog.

Todayhas been a bit of a breakthrough day, and I am feeling guilty about it. I woke up fully prepared for more fighting, and battles, and they havn't happened.Well...a few. But I let my vitals be taken, I let Katherine look at my g tube site, and I sat down before security had to come. The doctors decided we would leave theNG in, rather than to keep pulling it out and putting it in each meal, which is great, it was nice to finally be listened to, to be heard. But I feel like a failure that I let Katherine put the tube in without fighting.

I know in my heart and my logical brain that these are all good things, but I feel like a failure. I feel like im giving in. I am having a really hard time with things the past few days, mainly, wanting to be i control, and since I can't control the things I really want to control, I have been refusing to do the little things that really dont matter, just for that control.

Body-image wise I am seriously struggling. I feel like I have gained so much weight and I can't handle it. My body feels foreign, so big, not right. I hate it. I don't have the g tube to dump the ensure anymore, and now, with the NG tube staying in, I can't even resort to purging. I have been pacing for hours after feeds, trying to get the feeling of it sitting in me and making me huge to go away, but today they havn't been letting me. I walked for over 5 hours yesterday and today I only got in about 45 minutes. Its not enough.

I don't know where this is going, I don't know anything. Each day is a bunch of mini mountains to get over and they just feel like they keep getting bigger and bigger. While I desperately want to leave here, I am terrified of where is next. I don't want to end up in a state hospital and I am really scared that it will happen. I will die there. No doubt about it. I am so scared.

I just want to go home. Which is funny to say when I dont even have one right now since Lisa kicked me out. I want to be able to do my own things on my own time...and to be hoenst...I want to starve. I crave the feelilng of complete emptiness, the lack of emotion, the adrenaline of extreme hunger. I know that the next time I starve like that, may be my last. My last thing I ever do, because I could very well die. And I am okay with that, prepared and ready.

And then theres the lonliness. The missing. Of everything. Of my family. Friends. Life. Of myself. I don't know anything anymore, I am an empty shell of who ever I used to be. the holidays have already started and I have missed Halloween, Lilli's birthday is this week and I will miss that, Thanksgiving is next week and I am sure to still be here at Children's for that one, and who knows where I will be at christmas. Seems I will either be in the hospital, at treatment, or dead.

The guardianship runs out in 9 days and I am counting down. Unless the doctor from Briockton renews it, and my lawyer has enough time to come meet with me, and go to court, the guardianship will be dissolved. And when that happens, I get to make my own choices again. And those choices will be refusing feeds and fluids, and signing myself out of this place AMA. 9 days. I can make it 9 more days to feel the emptiness again. To get this weight off. To feel the feeling of NOT feeling.

This sounded positive in the begining...and got progressivly worse. Thats how it is in my head. A constantly spinning merry go round of tumult.

I wanted today to be my first time writing in my new blog...but creating it took all my energy and now my words are lost.

Maybe tomorrow I will find them, and find the strength to let them out, and the courage not to run from the emotions and feelings that will come with writing, because right now?

I'm terrified.